Coaching Concepts: Unconditional Positive Regard
A coach-client dialogue with myself
The child teaches the adult something else about love: that genuine love should involve a constant attempt to interpret with maximal generosity what might be going on, at any time, beneath the surface of difficult and unappealing behaviour.
—Alain de Botton, The Course of Love
One week into Health and Wellness Coaching Training, we breached our first big topic: unconditional positive regard. The American Psychological Association defines it as “an attitude of caring, acceptance, and prizing that others express toward an individual irrespective of their behavior and without regard to the others’ personal standards.”1
In the best case, this means a client can safely share mistakes and negative thoughts with a non-judgmental coach. The lack of judgment establishes trust in the relationship and allows the client to put their cards on the table, so to speak, and work together on addressing areas relevant to the coaching function. It’s a way of laying out all the data, both objective and subjective, to be processed and analyzed in a collaboration.
But even from simply reading the term, the question jumps out: “What do you mean unconditional?”
The question is considerably nuanced, so I’ve decided to share my thoughts in a coach-client dialogue with myself. (Yes, I do talk to myself. I highly recommend it, in fact.) This mock conversation applies several coaching communication techniques I’m actively learning, but should closely resemble the language and attitude of a real session.
Coach: “What concerns you about having unconditional positive regard for your clients?”
Client: “Well, what if my client is evil?”
Coach: “You are concerned about ethical implications of enabling behavior contrary to your values.”
Client: “Perhaps. But I also wonder about if they are objectively evil.”
Coach: “Do you mind if we focus on the general case of clients with a difference in values? It seems like ‘objectively evil’ clients would fall within that grouping.”
Client: “Hmm. I suppose so.”
Coach: “So how would you regard a client whose values differ from yours?”
Client: “I would seek to understand where they are coming from.”
Coach: pause to allow for continuation of thoughts
Client: “If they are contemplating or engaging in behaviors I find appalling, my response would depend on whether it falls within my scope of practice2. If not, I would gently clarify my scope of practice. If so, I would have to decide if I can continue fulfilling my service obligations to the client or if my personal bias would be too disruptive. As a professional, I would feel attachment to fulfilling my coaching contract. I would consult with peers and experts on how to proceed and manage my personal views outside of session to provide a safe, blank space within session. I would keenly observe my own reactions to alarming thoughts, feelings, and behaviors shared in session for non-coaching intrusions as I seek to cultivate accurate empathy for my client and the information they are sharing with me. Overall, I would do my best to withhold judgment and maintain a coaching presence, whilst altering application of particular skills: engaging, focusing, evoking, and planning3 to serve the best interests of my client.”
Coach: “Sounds like you’ve given this matter a great deal of thought. If I may, how would you determine the best interest of the client?”
Client: “You’ve hit the nail on the head4. There’s a significant nuance to orienting to a client’s best interest. At the two extremes, we have what the client purports they seek to change and what coach thinks is wise. Client-centered practice dictates that a coach should err heavily on the side of client self-determination. And yet, no ideal coaching service exists. Coaches tip the needle of session direction with each question they ask, each pause they allocate, each silent or verbal affirmation they provide. As such, coach wisdom and experience, collected second-hand through prior practice and first-hand through life experience, is a crucial factor in setting session direction. This is why coach-client fit is so important.”
Coach: “To summarize, the coach and client collaborate to set a best-interest. Who has the final say?”
Client: “The client. Always. The context of a coaching session is self-determined behavior change on the side of the client. Trying to cause undesired behavior change is preaching at best and manipulation at its worst. It’s antithetical to the practice of coaching.”
What I love about coaching is the complexity and nuance within each concept. On day one, our instructors shared as one of their teaching maxims, “Principles over prescriptions.” A rigid set of practices does not survive contact with clients—real individuals with life-impacting concerns. So too, unconditional positive regard is but a principle—one that attempts to convey an attitude held toward clients for effect and reputation of the coaching practice. However, it is unique in respect to its centricity to the implementation of coaching. A coaching relationship lacking unconditional positive regard quickly ceases to resemble coaching; it instead presents as one of its sibling helping relationships: mentorship, therapy, expert, or teacher.
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https://dictionary.apa.org/unconditional-positive-regard
https://nbhwc.org/scope-of-practice/. I’ll write more on this topic if there is interest.
The Four Processes of Motivational Interviewing, https://motivationalinterviewing.org/understanding-motivational-interviewing
It’s so weird the way I speak to myself. But I maintain a positive regard for myself in spite of it. I’ve read of some crazy idiosyncrasies that prolific authors utilize to incite their writing practice, this must be a part of mine.
this was such an interesting read jason, i love the idea of unconditional positive regard being a principle rather than a prescription, because that just feels true of so many human relationships. the intention matters, but the reality is always so much more nuanced in practice.
also really enjoyed the coach to client dialogue/format, there’s something oddly honest about watching someone think something through like that. it makes the concept feel lived in 🫶🏼